“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.