Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
You Might Also Like
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Hmm, not sure about this change
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.