[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!