“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Comparing yourself to others
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.