*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
#dalle2
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?