Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.