Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I think we should hear other voices.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*