OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
the red hot silly peppers
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.