Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
This headline is a thing of beauty
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me, reading some of your tweets
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie