As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
No. He’s not coming out to play
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE