OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.