Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Need this in my life lol
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way