@prontopup: "OMG IT'S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN!!!" - Drivers, apparently.
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@iRowlf: "Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!" -Vin Diesel eating a purse
@CountGripsnatch: Me: I should stop drinking Me: Why? Me: I dunno Me: You're awesome when you drink Me: Really? Me: Yeah Me: Thanks, me. You're alright
@SortaBad: Taco Bell manager: I'm sorry, you didn't get the job. It's your drug test Me: so you mean... Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply
@KevinFarzad: Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.