Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day