OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
You Might Also Like
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*