Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
the chicken was already gone when I got here
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Personal question. #JustSaying