OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Lmbo
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible