Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
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Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes