No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
The best plant holders?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
just having fun
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr