A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.