Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
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[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.