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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern