@LoriGallucci: "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"
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@Leslie_Annie: 8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor? Me: I just did 438 sit ups. 8: sounds legit. I've taught her well.
@murrman5: *wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire* calm down brent just call a tow tru*I'm already shooting flare gun*
@TheMichaelRock: If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.
@FaisalAdam_: I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.