OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄