“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
And bowling should be called pinball
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*