“OMGJK” -atheists
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁