@mzeld: "OMGJK" -atheists
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@DeadLioness: What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
@BoogTweets: Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh…
@goodballs: How to get out of a bad date. 1. Pull fake baby out of your bag. 2. Tell your date to help pick a name. 3. Start taking family photos.
@BrassBallsCJ: Friend: I'm just not sure if she's into me. Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I'd say that's a hard no.