Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
boat question
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me