[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.