[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Namaste
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
marvel comics have peaked
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.