*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
You Might Also Like
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.