Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Lassie, get help!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.