[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
bad news gang
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.