[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Extremely relatable.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
*seductively peels off lederhosen
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?