[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
pls suprot
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
BRO LMFAO
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee