[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
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NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
🤣🤣🤣
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
So, I got banned from the toy store today…