[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
He’s dead
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly