[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife