[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI