[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Lol.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”