[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Y’all know who you are.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.