[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
so i’m at the stock market right
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.