[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens