[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
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Intelligence is the new cleavage
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
as is their right
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.