On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
incredible book dedication
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.