@Ohaiqtpie: On a poster in my math class "4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions" The sad thing is my first thought was "Oh good, I'm not alone!"
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@AngryRaccoon2: I bought a CD today. Now I'm waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
@_4kidscrazy: Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it? Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower. Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?
@OldSpookMan: A homeless guy asked me "would you give me $5 for a sandwich?" I said "I don't know man, show me the sandwich first."