I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.