[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
All set.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt