On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can