On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
You Might Also Like
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Something Saturday.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!