[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?