On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits