[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Only a mother’s love …
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.